Other Forum, Jokes Sub-Category, Bars Thread
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman, are in a bar having a great time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but back in Glasgow there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Englishman says, "Yeah, that sounds like a nice bar, but back in London there's a better one. The Pig and Whistle is owned by this guy called Smith. You buy a drink at the Pig and Whistle and Smith buys you a drink. You buy another drink and Smith buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Over in Dublin you should try Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but back in Glasgow there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Englishman says, "Yeah, that sounds like a nice bar, but back in London there's a better one. The Pig and Whistle is owned by this guy called Smith. You buy a drink at the Pig and Whistle and Smith buys you a drink. You buy another drink and Smith buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Over in Dublin you should try Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face again.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks "Where are you from?" and the second replies "I'm from Ireland." The first man responds "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." The second man agrees and they have another round.
Curious, the first man then asks "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." Again, the second man agrees and they have another round.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks "What school did you go to?" The second man replies "Saint Mary's, I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
The first man then asks "Where are you from?" and the second replies "I'm from Ireland." The first man responds "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." The second man agrees and they have another round.
Curious, the first man then asks "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." Again, the second man agrees and they have another round.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks "What school did you go to?" The second man replies "Saint Mary's, I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
A man was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your arse and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"
"No way!" the man answered.
The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"
The man said, "Of course not."
"Wanna go camping?"
"No way!" the man answered.
The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"
The man said, "Of course not."
"Wanna go camping?"
A pirate walks into a bar. One of the locals looks at him and notices that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. Intrigued, the local asks, "how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the local. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the local. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the local asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the local. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the local. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the local asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."
17th February 2008