Other Forum, Jokes Sub-Category, What Things Really Mean Thread
Corporate Lingo translated.
Competitive Salary
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our Fast Paced Company
We have no time to train you.
Casual Working Environment
We don't pay enough to expect you to look smart.
Must be deadline oriented
You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some Overtime Required
Some each night, and some each weekend.
Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality control.
Career minded
Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.
Apply in person
If the personnel department don't fancy you, you have no chance.
No phone calls please
We have filled the vacancy, our advertising the post is just a legal formality.
The successful candidate will have a wide field of experience
You will be replacing three people who just left.
Problem Solving Skills a must
It's constant chaos here!
Requires Team Leadership Skills
You'll have all the responsibilities of a manager but none of the money.
Good Communication Skills
Management communicates, you have to figure out what they really meant and do it.
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
Tourists
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips & Salsa
Chips=hardware, salsa=software. "Well, first gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Irritainment
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work.
Blame storming
sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Cube farm
an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing
scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging
something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters
people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato
the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond
that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM
stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy
a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an on-line service's code of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant
an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Competitive Salary
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our Fast Paced Company
We have no time to train you.
Casual Working Environment
We don't pay enough to expect you to look smart.
Must be deadline oriented
You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some Overtime Required
Some each night, and some each weekend.
Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality control.
Career minded
Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.
Apply in person
If the personnel department don't fancy you, you have no chance.
No phone calls please
We have filled the vacancy, our advertising the post is just a legal formality.
The successful candidate will have a wide field of experience
You will be replacing three people who just left.
Problem Solving Skills a must
It's constant chaos here!
Requires Team Leadership Skills
You'll have all the responsibilities of a manager but none of the money.
Good Communication Skills
Management communicates, you have to figure out what they really meant and do it.
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
Tourists
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips & Salsa
Chips=hardware, salsa=software. "Well, first gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Irritainment
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work.
Blame storming
sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Cube farm
an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing
scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging
something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters
people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato
the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond
that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM
stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy
a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an on-line service's code of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant
an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
16th March 2008