Other Forum, Jokes Sub-Category, General Thread
A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of prawns, throwing the heads and shells out of the window. After he had eaten a few of them a woman opposite said, “Please would you stop doing that. It's disgusting to watch.”
“It's got nothing to do with you” he replied, “I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train.” And he carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns.
Eventually he finished the bag of prawns and decided to go for a kip.
The woman then started knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman “would you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?”
“It's got nothing to do with you” she replied, “I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train.”
Irritated, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said “ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!”
To which the old woman replied, “and you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers....”
“It's got nothing to do with you” he replied, “I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train.” And he carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns.
Eventually he finished the bag of prawns and decided to go for a kip.
The woman then started knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman “would you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?”
“It's got nothing to do with you” she replied, “I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train.”
Irritated, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said “ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!”
To which the old woman replied, “and you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers....”
A man (Carlos) decides to buy a mule to help him out with some of his daily tasks. He goes to the market, selects one and makes the purchase. Carlos calls his mule Jose and is very pleased with him as he finds it very helpful for carrying things around like water or pulling his cart to move things.
Carlos notices that, for some strange reason, Jose the mule has a disliking for women and seems to get very angry every time a woman comes near him. He warns his wife (Francesca) to stay away from the mule as it might be dangerous. Unfortunately, his wife thinks she knows better and does not steer clear of Jose. One day, she goes round the back of the house where Jose is tethered and when she gets too close is kicked in the head and killed.
At the funeral, the priest notices that Carlos is acting a little strange in that every time a woman came up to him and spoke, he would nod his head in agreement, but every time a man came up to him and spoke, he would shake his head in disagreement.
After the service, the priest asks Carlos about his behavior to which he replied, “all the women told me how beautiful Francesca looked and that the dress she was wearing was nice” so I nodded my head in agreement. All the men asked “is that mule for sale?” ...
Carlos notices that, for some strange reason, Jose the mule has a disliking for women and seems to get very angry every time a woman comes near him. He warns his wife (Francesca) to stay away from the mule as it might be dangerous. Unfortunately, his wife thinks she knows better and does not steer clear of Jose. One day, she goes round the back of the house where Jose is tethered and when she gets too close is kicked in the head and killed.
At the funeral, the priest notices that Carlos is acting a little strange in that every time a woman came up to him and spoke, he would nod his head in agreement, but every time a man came up to him and spoke, he would shake his head in disagreement.
After the service, the priest asks Carlos about his behavior to which he replied, “all the women told me how beautiful Francesca looked and that the dress she was wearing was nice” so I nodded my head in agreement. All the men asked “is that mule for sale?” ...
While walking down the street one day a U.S. Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the U.S. Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other liberal politicians who had worked with her.
Everyone is very happy and nicely dressed. They run to greet her, shake her hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then she answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and she's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and filling garbage bags as more trash showers upon them from above.
The devil comes over to her and puts his arm around her waist. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and all my good friends look miserable. What ever happened?"
The devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the U.S. Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other liberal politicians who had worked with her.
Everyone is very happy and nicely dressed. They run to greet her, shake her hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then she answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and she's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and filling garbage bags as more trash showers upon them from above.
The devil comes over to her and puts his arm around her waist. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and all my good friends look miserable. What ever happened?"
The devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
Fred was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They said they couldn't that evening, but agreed to come over the next night.
Fred had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. His friend laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.
Once at home, Fred figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.
The next day Fred showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Fred replied "No, I need it for my arms the women never showed up!"
Fred had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. His friend laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.
Once at home, Fred figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.
The next day Fred showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Fred replied "No, I need it for my arms the women never showed up!"
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. “I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?”
God says “We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.”
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. “They've gone”, he tells God.
“What?” says God, “All 40 of them?”
“No, the gates”.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. “I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?”
God says “We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.”
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. “They've gone”, he tells God.
“What?” says God, “All 40 of them?”
“No, the gates”.
At the funeral of Mrs Smith, the poll bearers were walking in the church when one of them slipped on the carpet and dropped the casket. There was a moan and everyone realized that Mrs Smith was not actually dead. She was taken to hospital and checked out, then sent home.
She lived for another 10 years, but then the day came and she died. The ceremony was being held in the same church and many of the same friends that were there for the first service attended the second one (those that were still alive). The poll bearers were carrying the casket in the church again and as they approached the front a voice cried out .... it was Mr Smith and he said “Be careful. Watch out for that carpet”
She lived for another 10 years, but then the day came and she died. The ceremony was being held in the same church and many of the same friends that were there for the first service attended the second one (those that were still alive). The poll bearers were carrying the casket in the church again and as they approached the front a voice cried out .... it was Mr Smith and he said “Be careful. Watch out for that carpet”
Three men; Fred, Roger and Stan were working on top of a power line. All of a sudden, Roger slipped and fell to his death. After the ambulance came and took away the body, Fred looked at Stan and said “I suppose one of us better tell Roger [Smith]'s wife that her husband died in an accident.” Stan replied that he was good at this sensitive sort of thing and that he would do it. Fred agreed so Stan drove off to break the news to Mrs Smith.
About an hour or so later, Stan returned carrying a case of beer and said to Fred “these are from Mrs Smith, do you want one?”
Stunned, Fred replied“wow! You really must be good at the sensitive stuff if you told Roger's wife that he'd died and she gave you a case of beer.”
“Well,” replied Stan, “She didn't exactly give me the case of beer. I went round to Roger's house and his wife answered the door. I asked if she was the Widow Smith, to which she replied that her name was Smith, but she wasn't a widow. I then said I'll bet you a case of beer you are ....”
About an hour or so later, Stan returned carrying a case of beer and said to Fred “these are from Mrs Smith, do you want one?”
Stunned, Fred replied“wow! You really must be good at the sensitive stuff if you told Roger's wife that he'd died and she gave you a case of beer.”
“Well,” replied Stan, “She didn't exactly give me the case of beer. I went round to Roger's house and his wife answered the door. I asked if she was the Widow Smith, to which she replied that her name was Smith, but she wasn't a widow. I then said I'll bet you a case of beer you are ....”
23rd November 2007