The following question was presented:
Unfortunately I find myself being poorly again. Yet again it's those wondrous stomach problems. I've spent two weeks talking to the doctor and listening to them tell me they know what it is. Sooner or later they're going to run out of things that it could be so they're bound to get it right eventually. I'm half expecting to go into the doctor on Monday and hear him say, I think your head's fallen off. Anyway, enough of the gripes and down to the question. Well, as part of the diagnostic process, I had to produce a stool sample (which, to be frank, is not difficult right now). Anyway, the lab gives you a kit, however, I actually read the instructions and they provide you with a variety of ways to collect your stool sample if you are without kit. Which of the following is not a valid way to get a stool sample?
Results:
Stick the nozzle of an Aqua Vac up your arse was the clear winner with 100% of the votes selected from the following:
- A bed pan (0%)
- A plastic bag in a waste paper basket (0%)
- A clean margarine tub (0%)
- A jam jar (0%)
- A milk carton with the top cut off (0%)
- Stick the nozzle of an Aqua Vac up your arse (100%)
Graphic of Results:
Analysis:
Indeed it would not be appropriate to insert the nozzle end of an Aqua Vac up one's rectum and set to deep clean .... or even the long shag setting. All the other methods are appropriate means of collecting a stool sample. Now, several things occur to me here. Probably far to many things as is healthy, but there you go. The first thing is that someone has actually sat down and compiled a list of methods to obtain a piece of shit. How does one advertise for that job? If that's you're job and you're looking for a new one, what do you put on your resume? The mind boggles. When you're at a dinner party and someone asks what you do, do you tell them you specialize in coming up with ways to collect poo samples?
OK, now the next thing that's stuck in my head is the fact that when you have to produce one of these samples ... at least in my case anyway, said sample is not very ... well ... solid. I'm kind of stuck on the idea of putting a plastic bag in a waste paper basket and taking a dump in it. I'm going to be honest, as I'm writing this, I'm cracking up at the thought of someone trying to sit on a waste paper basket. And it's not just the thought of the basket collapsing half way through as much as the thought that plastic bags now have holes in them so that kids can't suffocate. I have an image of someone's stool sample escaping before then can get it into the little jar thing.
The other ideas seem fairly similar in the sense that they're looking for items you would likely have in your kitchen that you could utilize. I guess the only question is whether or not anyone would have these items handy when they are needed. Like you were keeping that old milk carton just in case you needed to cut the top off and take a crap in it.
I guess I should be thankful that Karen left that cup out for me ... strange that she would have left her toothbrush in it. That did come in handy cleaning up after though.